Monday, October 10, 2011

Never. Dispute. The Stylist...

With the economy changing the way it is, everybody's wondering what the next big career opportunity will be. Well, I think I've discovered it:

It's the Hollywood Stylist.

Turns out everyone who's anyone in Hollywood has one.

The Hollywood Stylist is basically paid outrageously large sums of money to  tell celebrities what to wear. Because these stylists know best. You do not argue with them. They are never wrong.

Here are some examples which show how every penny invested in a stylist is money well spent:

                       Everyone knows Cate Blanchett is a fashion icon. I would have thought leaving the house in Grandma's recycled, pinned together caftan would be a fashion faux paux -- but that's because I'm not a stylist.  See, without one you just can't know.

  OK, this is an interesting shot. Looks like we caught Sandy in a moment of vulnerability where she is actually doubting the decisions of her stylist. Sandy, Sandy...never dispute the stylist. They are always right. What's that I see? Black socks under stilettos? Fantastic! I'll try it tonight!

             OK, in this case, my guess would be a slip with a sweater thrown over it topped off with a ball cap would get you turned away for a table at Denny's. Not to mention stillettos over pasty white, hoseless legs. But see, this combo does not make you a fashion disaster -- apparently it makes you Madonna. Who knew? The stylist, that's who!

OK, with Lady Gaga we're in kind of dangerous territory here. I would never, ever doubt her stylist -- I mean, if anyone can carry off hundreds of Kermit the Frogs hanging in an elegant decoutage around the frame just so, it's our Lady Gaga. But remember, ladies, there is only one Gaga. Don't try this at home. On her, it comes off as elegance mixed with a dose of playful whimsy. On you? Don't ask. Her stylist would just scoff if you attempted it for yourself. She would tell you to go try some Simply Vera at Kohls. That's more your level.

       We don't want to leave the men out. Lord knows it is just as de-rigeur for male celebrities to have their own stylist as it is for the ladies. Which leads me to facial hair. Yes, the stylists have opinions on these too. The Soul Patch, as modeled above by Billy Bob Thornton, is not for the faint of heart. On an accountant or dentist, it might come off as showy or desperate (or worse). But Billy Bob can carry it off -- because his stylist told him he could. I know. It's uncanny? How do they know? It's a gift.

Ya gotta love SJP. She just rocks the headware, with her stylist just outside of camera range cheering her on. In the Sex and the City movie, Mr. Big left her at the altar with a birds nest in her hair (I'm certain even the fictional character Carrie Bradshaw has a semi-fictional stylist who chose it for her).

Now, I love Carrie as much as the next girl, but in my humble opinion, Mr. Big took one peek at this monstrosity and did the worlds fastest 180 off the Isle of Manhattan. But see -- I'm not a stylist. I would be wrong. The reason Mr. Big left her at the altar is because...uh...well...I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that his bride was wearing a birds nest in her hair.

Anyway, the point is, I'm not a stylist. I could not know. But the stylist is never wrong. See what I mean? Their uncanny ability to see things that we mere mortals cannot makes them worthy of the $$$$$$ they accept from their grateful celebrity minions.

   OK, this last one is a doozy. Again, if you were to ask lil' ol' me, I would say that the outfit Heidi Klum is wearing above was thrown together one day when she took her last $5 from her pocket, and on a dare went to the thrift shop, closed her eyes, and just blindly using her hands, by sense of touch only, bought $1 pants, $1 shirt, $1 sweater, $1 shoes and threw them all on! Just for fun! On a dare! And best of all, there was a buck left over for a coffee at Dunkin Donuts!

But no. See, this stylist stuff really IS kinda like brain surgery, because I can't understand it, but the explanation for this outfit goes something like this: you spend $50,000.00 on an outfit to make it LOOK like you played $5 thrift shop bingo -- but everyone knows you really DIDN'T. Because that would be unspeakably uncool and horrifying.

See what I mean? The whole thing is so complicated and filled with double negatives. Only a professional Hollywood Stylist can pull it off.

So if you think you have the knack for this, I'd go for it. It's extremely high paying, noone ever doubts you, and I believe you only need a 5th grade education.

It's the career of the 21st century! Good luck!

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